No, this isn't about the circus though my life does qualify.
This about dressing the larger female body. Ahem.
It's been difficult dealing with this big ol' brick house. All my old body dressing rules went right out the window. (Yes, I had rules - so should you.) Add to that the menopause and we're dealing with big AND hot rules (what we like to call the double whammy of midlife misery). Brick house, indeed.
So, my bigger girlfriends - listen up. Pay attention. This is good stuff and you will thank me. Or you should 'cause some of y'all are making all these mistakes. And people can see it when you do.
- Wear a bigger size. This is the hardest one so I put it first so you can get over it and enjoy the rest of these. You do NOT wear a size 12 anymore. Or a 14. And probably not even a 16. It's time to go to the other side of Cato's, OK? It only hurts for a minute and then the cute clothes take your mind off it. Go try something on ~ look how much better you look in clothes that FIT! (You can always cut the tag out.)
- No knits! Knits cling - to every lump, bump and roll you have. You will spend all day long plucking that knit shirt out of that belly crease in the front. And for heavens sake, honey, knit pants will show every dimple in your lovely thighs and will wad up in your crack every time you stand up. We're walking behind you - we know this much is true. You need fabrics that will skim over your body - jersey, georgette. Polyester is the big girl's friend. Do not believe that Deschanel girl (Zoey?) when she sings 'cotton is the fabric of your life'. It's not true and she can't sing anyway.
- Ruching and/or flowing is your friend. Any dress or top with ruching hides much and forgives more. And do not pull your shirt down smooth (especially if it's knit - see #2), They don't call it 'muffin-top' to be cute. They're making fun of you. Wear flowing not fitted cardigans or blouses - see 'The Stevie Method'. Fabric is important - lightweight and flowy will not make you sweat, uh glow and is easy to hike up in front of a fan or AC vent.
- Do not belt it. I can't believe this even needs to be said, but I saw you and apparently it does. Do not put a belt around that big ol' belly. It does not make you look stylish or younger. It makes you look like a fatty with a belt flung around it. Really. Are y'all just not looking in a mirror? Do you not have friends? And in the same vein, do not tuck in that shirt. You might as well stamp "I refuse to compete" across your forehead (tm Emily-thanks!).
- Create a distraction. Accessories are a big help. And the bigger and shinier the accessories the more distracting they are. A big honking necklace and spangly earrings will draw the eye up from that mess around your waist. Or away from that massive rear. And enough can not be said about big hair. Flat, unstyled hair is not for big girls - the bigger the hair, the smaller your rear end will appear. It at least will create balance and give you the illusion of hour glass. Fluff that stuff, baby. Then spray it good with Aqua Net. So it'll hold when you sweat.
This should be enough to get you started. This by no means is the entire set of rules. And we haven't even touched make-up ~ or chin hair. But I know many of you are sadly taking that belt off and plucking that double knit shirt out of your belly roll. And when you stand up, make sure to pull your pants out of your crack.
Delta Burke, where are you when we need you?
