Cutesy don't cut it.

I love a turn of a phrase as much - sometimes more - than anyone. I love it when words come together in an entertaining, interesting and unexpected way. Just love it. Wish I was better at it.

But I loathe, detest, hate, can't stand how the current culture is kiddie sizing our convo. Heh.

Veggies.
Besties.
Hubbies.

I don't eat veggies (that's a whole 'nother story). I eat french fries.

You are not my bestie (and you oughta slap me if I even say such a thing). You my friend, girl.

And my hubby is not my bestie (are you hearing the ridiculousness now??) He's my MAN!

Cutesy ain't cute - it's...it's...makemewanttoscreamshutup dumb.

There. I said it. Whew.

What Momo knows

I've mentioned Momo (short for John the Baptist) before. He's my big ol' orange tabby cat. There will be kitty baby talk in this post. Here is my handsome boy:

I'm a cat person but I'm not a nut. Unlike 'dog-people' who believe their dogs really know stuff, I know what Momo really knows. Momo knows I'm his person but he doesn't know my name. He doesn't even know what 'names' are. Or that I have a job. Or what money is. And he doesn't call me 'momma'. He calls me 'maow'. But he does call me. And he does know things. This will be an ongoing list - kinda like the words your child is learning to say.

Here's what Momo knows:

1. Where his house is.

2. Who his people are.

3. Where the yum yum is.

4. How to get us to open the door for him.

5. How to get us to let him out.

6. Where the best napping spots are.

7. And that when I talkin' baby talks, I talkin' to him!

OK. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's all he knows. Maybe this won't be an ongoing list. But it seems to be enough. Momo said it was anyway.

Brick Houses

Did you know the song "(She's a) Brick House" was written about Chaka Khan?

Which makes me realize if I were African American, my size and shape would be appreciated and celebrated in song.

Ugly Shoes

I'm the professed Queen of Comfort (see the Stevie Method, big underwear and all references to stretchy waist bands).

But come on, ya'll. Crocs?

They ugly. Look in a mirror. Let somebody take your picture. Melt them. 'Cause they bad ugly. And they make you look like you have duck feet. And do NOT match them to your clothes. For heaven's sake.

If you do, be warned. I will make fun of you.

The Stevie Method

What with the fatexia and all, many times when I look in the mirror I see Stevie Nicks' eyes.

Well, it's not so funny. I do sound just like her when I sing in my car.

So anyways, this morning I'm putting the final touches on my snappy shag haircut and was reminded of Steve once again. I have big eyes like her and round features and kickin' bangs that highlight these things. It's not that far a reach. Really.

Then I realized that what may be reminding me of Stevie was the drapy way I dress my big fat ass in black clothes all the time. Yeah.

Doppelkitties

I'm a cat person. It's in me like red hair and short legs. I've had a cat(s) almost continuously since I was 6 years old. I like the idea of dogs and sometimes wish I was a dog person. Until I get a dog and realize they are the TMR class of the animal world. Then I'm glad all over again I love cats.

My current kitty is a big orange tabby named Momo which is short for John the Baptist. Momo is about 1 1/2 years old and is a big ol' mellow sweetie scairdy cat. In his short life, he has put up with a lot. First Pretty and Baby moved in - they were Tidbit's cats when she came to live here. Pretty was pretty high strung so she left pretty quick. Baby was ginormous fat and couldn't run away if she wanted to which she didn't so Momo tolerated her. Then last November Smudge and Lulu (short for Martin Luther) moved in - they were C&C's cats. For whatever reason Smudge left - I'm still sad about that. Lulu loved us, loved Momo, loved being outside - he was just a lover of life. Sweet sweet kitty boy (I just said that in kitty baby talk).

So imagine my surprise the day my Hussy told me Momo and Lulu were fighting in the front yard! He said he heard the awful 'cat'erwauling in the front bushes and out they ran! And Lulu had Momo down by the neck! Whaaaa??? Momo had about 5 or 6 pounds on Lulu. Just didn't sound like either one of them. They're just not the fighting kind. Head butts, purrs, lots of yum yum. Not fighting.

Then Jacquelyn tells me Lulu has been fighting with Boots? Huh? How can this be? Not my sweet kitty boy *kitty baby talk again*.

Then Big Daddy says something about Momo at the farm house. Then Hussy sees him on the road. This is not Momo behaviour. Is he mad at me for all the move-in kitties? Is he braver than I thought? Is this the life he leads behind my back?????

So Lulu goes back to live with his mommy and daddy - this is better for all.

Two days later I catch Momo chasing a black kitty into the woods that LOOKS JUST LIKE LULU!

Today Momo is skulking around the back door acting skittish so I walk out the door to prove to him everything is OK and there laying on Penny's blankie (2-day dog - another story or see paragraph #1) is a big ol yellow tabby THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MOMO!

I knew my sweet kitty boys weren't the trouble. 'Cause they is sweet boys. And you know what voice I just said that in.

Sit Up Straight!!

Did you know if your jeans are too tight you can not sit up straight?

The best I can manage is an uncomfortable 'lean-back'.

Sigh. No telling how I'm gonna stand up.