Family Joy....or not

Ahh families.  Gotta love 'em.  Or not. 

I've got a lot of family components:

•  My own 'blood kin' - my incredible precious daughter, parents, niece and brother.
•  In-law - son, sisters, brothers and mother.
•  Husbands - there's been all kinds of those - one divorced, one death, one current.
•  Steps - now here's where it gets umm...sticky.  I currently have 2 step-daughters and 3 step-granddaughters.  I also had (have?) 2 step-daughters, a granddaughter and 2 grandsons from my late husband.

Let talk a little step-joy.

One granddaughter has lived with me off and on the last 3 years while her mother serves in the military.  I love her like 'blood' even though I have only know her for 3 years.  She is 13 and we are on the same wave-length.  Her mother and I struggle to find the right place with each other - her daughter is our most common meeting place.  Maybe we will find our own one day - it remains to be seen.  I have not met the other 2 granddaughters and barely the other daughter - I don't think they are interested in a relationship with me or my husband.  Whole 'nother blog, OK?

My step-daughters from my late husband got angry with me after their father died and we have not been in contact for 7 years.  They also have not contacted my daughter - who, by the way, is their 'blood'.  I loved the oldest of the two a lot.  We had been part of the same family for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.  The younger and I struggled much as my current step-daughter and I do.  It may surprise you to hear they have similar personalities.  Hmmm.....  ANYWAY, I have mourned the loss of the relationship with the older sister.  For 7 years.  I have mourned the loss of her and her dad. And that whole life we had.  It has been a steep steep mountain and a deep deep valley.  I learned that she was critically ill last year and I stalked her progress on facebook - I cried, I prayed, and it turned out that I still loved her.  When she recovered she reached out to me on facebook and I was overjoyed - we were at least connected by that.

Imagine how I felt when she showed up at my office last week to see me.  No wait, there's no way you can imagine because I can barely articulate it - overwhelmed, ecstatic, a little scared.  I clung to her and cried pathetically - 7 years of anger, sadness and mourning poured from me to her shoulder.  We spent a large part of the weekend together and talked some of our estrangement but mostly of our happiness at being reunited and restored.  We agreed that the whys do not matter to us today - they may, but we will not speak of it.  We want each other to be more important than the whys - I think.  I hope.

Families are messy, loud, difficult, delicious and joyous tapestries - they are woven from the fabrics of blood, steps, in-laws and ever how many husbands you have. 

Puppy Joy

I'm a cat person in love with a pup.  I don't know how it happened.  I didn't mean for it to happen.  I've always made fun of dogs.  They're not as smart as cats - we cat people know that.  They're waaaaayyy too much trouble - as demanding as babies. You can't go on vacation without making extensive plans for the DOG! You don't do that for a cat.

Momo (short for John the Baptist) is thoroughly put out with me.  He disdains the pup.  The pup wants to be friends.  Haha Momo says - we aren't gonna be friends.  They vie for who can sit closest to me.  I am covered in animal hair.  And I might smell a little funny.  To you.  To them I am delish. 

I am the world to a puppy.  And that is mighty hard to resist.  Mighty hard.

I did it again

In a fit of self-loathing because I saw a picture of myself from the weekend, I went and got a god-awful haircut.

I look ridiculous.

Not that I looked that great before.

I saw the picture.  I know.  Had no idea I could be even more pissed off or be more self-loathing.

I remember these days

of Johnny dying better than most birthday or anniversaries.

Wish I could coast thru them like I did so many days of our life together.

(That's the survivors's guilt.)

Another year,another crash

Every year I think I 'm gonna handle the anniversary 'better'. I tell myself "This is the year. You'll be your 'old self' and 'deal with it' and 'move on' and 'live for today' " and any other 'quotable cliche' I can think of.

I'm even in counseling this year (which honestly? feels kinda like I'm a failure) and I'm so low and slow right now I can hardly move. He advised me to write about the anticipation of what begins tomorrow.

So I am. Did.