I did it again

In a fit of self-loathing because I saw a picture of myself from the weekend, I went and got a god-awful haircut.

I look ridiculous.

Not that I looked that great before.

I saw the picture.  I know.  Had no idea I could be even more pissed off or be more self-loathing.

I remember these days

of Johnny dying better than most birthday or anniversaries.

Wish I could coast thru them like I did so many days of our life together.

(That's the survivors's guilt.)

Another year,another crash

Every year I think I 'm gonna handle the anniversary 'better'. I tell myself "This is the year. You'll be your 'old self' and 'deal with it' and 'move on' and 'live for today' " and any other 'quotable cliche' I can think of.

I'm even in counseling this year (which honestly? feels kinda like I'm a failure) and I'm so low and slow right now I can hardly move. He advised me to write about the anticipation of what begins tomorrow.

So I am. Did.