So after they told me yesterday his pupils were fixed and dilated and I knew he was gone, I asked Daddy to take me home. Right then. I just couldn't stay at the hospital - there were so many people there, wonderful loving friends who had been there since Thursday morning when the nightmare began. But I felt myself crumbling under the weight of the truth and I couldn't do it there in a hospital waiting room. I picked up the canvas bag (his purse lol) and hugged it to me smelling the smell of him on it. I walked out behind Daddy with my eyes down - I could not bear to make eye contact at that moment. I was about to explode with rage and grief and disbelief, and the spark of eye contact would have ignited it. Another friend followed us home and guarded the driveway - so sweetly asking loving friends to let Callie and I have some privacy and alone time. And they did.
Susan and Lisa stayed at the hospital with their Daddy. They were sure the hospital and doctors were not doing enough and they were sure their anger would change that. They weren't ready to accept the truth and they needed that time. This may be when their anger at me began - I'm not sure.
I had to make the decision about taking him off the respirator. And today was the Who Who's dance at Callie's school. And Susan and Lisa were still so angry. Today was not the right day if there is a right day for that sort of thing. So I talked with them all and we decided we would wait till tomorrow to turn off the respirator and all the other horrid machines and tubes keeping his body going.
So I had today. Callie got ready for Who's Who, Susan and Lisa were at some other relatives house because they couldn't stand to be around me. So I went to the hospital and stayed with Johnny. All by myself. Just him and me. This last Saturday night we would have together.
And I sat there with him that last Saturday night - touching him, nuzzling him, smelling the deliciousness of him, and talking talking talking to him. Crying and praying and talking. Remembering and telling him good-bye.
Susan and Lisa stayed at the hospital with their Daddy. They were sure the hospital and doctors were not doing enough and they were sure their anger would change that. They weren't ready to accept the truth and they needed that time. This may be when their anger at me began - I'm not sure.
I had to make the decision about taking him off the respirator. And today was the Who Who's dance at Callie's school. And Susan and Lisa were still so angry. Today was not the right day if there is a right day for that sort of thing. So I talked with them all and we decided we would wait till tomorrow to turn off the respirator and all the other horrid machines and tubes keeping his body going.
So I had today. Callie got ready for Who's Who, Susan and Lisa were at some other relatives house because they couldn't stand to be around me. So I went to the hospital and stayed with Johnny. All by myself. Just him and me. This last Saturday night we would have together.
And I sat there with him that last Saturday night - touching him, nuzzling him, smelling the deliciousness of him, and talking talking talking to him. Crying and praying and talking. Remembering and telling him good-bye.
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