Today is the official date of Johnny's death.
We had agreed to meet at the hospital at 10 am. Susan and Lisa did not come home last night - still staying away which was fine with me. I was so tired of them already - all that anger and guilt and redneck bullshit. I couldn't even be myself in my own home. Couldn't even grieve.
So of course they did not get there by 10. So we waited. I'm sure it gave them some sense of control. Fine - it did not matter. We all went in together and surrounded him. All of us crying and touching and hugging. I sat beside him with my hand on his leg and waited for the moment to say, "Turn off the respirator." When we were all ready - if you can call it ready - the respirator was turned off. And we waited again because every single one of us had some tiny hope that he would continue to breathe on his own and this nightmare would not be true.
I felt his leg grow cold under my hand. The nightmare was true and he had really left us.
We left pretty calmly and quietly. The wrenching part was over - we were emotionally exhausted at this point. Numb.
And then I had to go to the funeral home. Hello, nightmare #2.
We had agreed to meet at the hospital at 10 am. Susan and Lisa did not come home last night - still staying away which was fine with me. I was so tired of them already - all that anger and guilt and redneck bullshit. I couldn't even be myself in my own home. Couldn't even grieve.
So of course they did not get there by 10. So we waited. I'm sure it gave them some sense of control. Fine - it did not matter. We all went in together and surrounded him. All of us crying and touching and hugging. I sat beside him with my hand on his leg and waited for the moment to say, "Turn off the respirator." When we were all ready - if you can call it ready - the respirator was turned off. And we waited again because every single one of us had some tiny hope that he would continue to breathe on his own and this nightmare would not be true.
I felt his leg grow cold under my hand. The nightmare was true and he had really left us.
We left pretty calmly and quietly. The wrenching part was over - we were emotionally exhausted at this point. Numb.
And then I had to go to the funeral home. Hello, nightmare #2.
No comments:
Post a Comment